Do you sense an emotional void or maybe you feel your heart racing in the middle of a conversation? Does it wake you in the middle of the night. Does insomnia feels like a friends to you now? I have got a news for you. You are not alone.
Depression can send your entire life into a turmoil. People often tend to associate depression with mere sadness. But it’s not just being sad, it’s more than a sense of nothingness, so much more. It’s an emotionally draining experience. It feels like you have made a deal with the Devil himself. ‘There ain’t no rest for the wicked’, I feel the same way.
You might believe that there’s no one to turn too and you are just surrounded by complete and utter darkness. The concept of best friends or even friends feels completely meaningless. I can see the disappointed in my parents’ eyes just because I didn’t turn up to be a doctor. For you the reason might be different but most of us are sharing the same life stories under different aliases. And all that breaks my heart, as if it’s not already broken enough. You feel worthless, you believe you do not deserve any good of the world. You feel uncapable of love, or to be loved and maybe inept at times. Waking up everyday feels like a burden, moving around all day in the same 9-5 pattern. Most of us are walking around with a deadweight inside. A fake smile here and a fake laugh there, and a whole lot of trying to keep this feeling locked inside and buried deep, not exposing it to the atrocious world outside. For we were raised to be strong. Seeking help might be seen as a shortcoming.
No matter what I would do, this sinking feeling never stops, never changes for the better. It keeps me up at night, the nightmares are so horrible that they make me never want to sleep again. It’s an unchanging, never ending feeling of hollowness, as if my heart doesn’t exist anymore.
There’s a fire that is igniting in my soul. I fear the flames will expand, reaching out either heaven or hell. The fire will burn so bright that it may absorb everything around me or destroy me, which one would be better, I do not know, neither do I wish to. But I know this isn’t the end.
Someday I will wake up and break out of these patriachal norms and the societal expectation of being a man. I will go out and seek help. My mental peace is more important than the pressure of being masculine. The strength of a person is in his ability to ask for help when needed. We were raised to handle our problems in private ,to not let the world know that we are falling down. But who would you be if you never failed? The society has a timid way of defining strength. Its sole purpose is to mold everyone according to its expectations.
I sit here on the other side with nothing but a laptop and few words at my dismissal asking you to break the chain. Lets talk about our mental helath. Lets seek help for we have been strong for a while now and we owe us some rest.